Three months now since she’s
been gone. I have more than enough to fill my days with the sorting and the
clearing out. It’s over whelming at times, stressful, emotionally draining sorting
through a beloved mother’s life that had been well lived for so long. There are
drawers and boxes and cabinets filled with memories, Momma’s memories of our family, of my siblings. There
have been times I’ve had to stop because it was too much for my grieving heart to
handled. I would reach the end of my emotional strength and walk away. But
there have also been times when I have been pleasantly surprised at what pieces
of childhood art she thought worthy of preserving. All of our birthday and Mother's Day cards to her our letters written over the years in our childish scribbled handwriting. Sorting
through them filled my heart at how much she loved us and cherished our love
for her.
A few days ago I found a bag tucked in the corner of
her closet. It contained an unmarked gift box that when I opened it made me laugh out loud with delight. In it was a set of Christmas angel ornaments,
Black angels, the kind I collect. Momma had remember and bought them for me. In that moment, it felt as if she had handed
me a gift, a personal gift from herself just for me. My eyes filled with the
tears I had not been able to release since she had passed but my heart was
filled with love for my mother whose love reached out past that inevitable
human separation that is death to fill
me with a strength that only being loved so completely can give. The strength to
take her place, to carry on her legacy and to care for the family she loved
more than life. Her love filled me with the strength to go on without her.
Today's word was Fill.
This is a process we may all go through. You captured me with your telling of a story I too have written. Someday my daughter will go through the things I have left behind and I hope she sees as much love as you have expressed for your mother. A FMF friend….
ReplyDeleteI'm sure she will. I read a bit of your blog. How could she not? :)
DeleteGod Bless and thank you for coming by.
~ Cassandra
I was thinking of you yesterday. Wondering how you were doing. I loved your blog this morning. You are the kind of person I'd like to cry my eyes out with you hugging me. I hope you have someone hugging you. I thought to join in the five minute writings because I'm always impressed with the work you do through it. Though my blog is still standing and might sometime be active again, it isn't now. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Barbara! So happy to see you. Interestingly, I've been thinking the same about you. Consider yourself bear-hugged! :D Although I wasn't writing, I was still reading through my favorite blogs and I missed not seeing an occasional Morning Prayer and your sweet paintings of the dancing ladies. I am 'yet holding on' as the elders would say. I struggle to find a new balance in my life without Mom's embracing counterweight. My heart aches everyday but I am learning to function around it. Hearing from you helps.
DeleteBless you my dear friend. <3 <3 <3
~ Cassandra
The loss and grief are so tough to deal with yet you said it so well, her love filled me with the strength to go on.
ReplyDeleteGreat ending.
Thank you for your kind words, Sara. They were greatly appreciated.
DeleteGod Bless.
~ Cassandra from Renaissance Women
Sorry, just realized it put a link to my old website on my last comment which is no longer active. This is Sara from Poets and Saints http://poetsandsaints.com
ReplyDeleteCassandra, thank you for sharing your story. There is no loss that can compare with the loss of a beloved mother. Thankfully, the God of all comfort, can comfort us like no one else can. Grace to you in abundance. Visiting from Five Minute Friday.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for coming by E.W. and for your comment. Sorry it took me so long to get back to everyone. Have a good week.
Delete~ Cassandra from Renaissance Women
Oh, how I can relate to this, Cassandra! So very sorry for your loss. It will be three years for me in September since I lost my mom, and remember so clearly the sorting process. Prayers are with you as you begin this lifelong journey of grief.
ReplyDeleteAlmost two years after my mom died, I wrote this Open Letter to Grief, and even now, the sentiments remain the same. I pray it is a blessing to you:
http://katemotaung.com/2013/07/13/a-open-letter-to-grief/
Thanks for joining us for FMF! Hope to see you here again.
Dear Kate,
DeleteThank you for coming by and the link to your post on grief. I found comfort in your gracious willingness to share your experience for those of us who needed it. May God grant to you a hundredfold measure of the comfort you have given to us.
God Bless and see you soon on Five Minute Fridays.
~ Cassandra from Renaissance Women