Three months now since she’s
been gone. I have more than enough to fill my days with the sorting and the
clearing out. It’s over whelming at times, stressful, emotionally draining sorting
through a beloved mother’s life that had been well lived for so long. There are
drawers and boxes and cabinets filled with memories, Momma’s memories of our family, of my siblings. There
have been times I’ve had to stop because it was too much for my grieving heart to
handled. I would reach the end of my emotional strength and walk away. But
there have also been times when I have been pleasantly surprised at what pieces
of childhood art she thought worthy of preserving. All of our birthday and Mother's Day cards to her our letters written over the years in our childish scribbled handwriting. Sorting
through them filled my heart at how much she loved us and cherished our love
for her.
A few days ago I found a bag tucked in the corner of
her closet. It contained an unmarked gift box that when I opened it made me laugh out loud with delight. In it was a set of Christmas angel ornaments,
Black angels, the kind I collect. Momma had remember and bought them for me. In that moment, it felt as if she had handed
me a gift, a personal gift from herself just for me. My eyes filled with the
tears I had not been able to release since she had passed but my heart was
filled with love for my mother whose love reached out past that inevitable
human separation that is death to fill
me with a strength that only being loved so completely can give. The strength to
take her place, to carry on her legacy and to care for the family she loved
more than life. Her love filled me with the strength to go on without her.
Today's word was Fill.
