My Front Door

'Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.'

~ Revelation 3:20 

I love this front door. 

Every morning when I come down the stairs I am greeted with this peaceful view and no matter how I feel I experience a moment of pure peace and quiet joy.  I really do love this front  door. Rain or shine (except in winter) it's always opened by the first person up. Growing up, it was almost always Mom. No matter what I had on the agenda for the day, I would head straight for it and step through for a moment to gauge the weather and to say hello to the morning. It's always been a pilgrimage of sorts, a morning devotion. It's a moment where I meet God and say simply, 'Yes Lord' and 'Thank You.'

This is the front door of the home where I grew up, my parents' home, the family house. Whenever any of my sibs or I talk about 'going home' this is where we mean. I live here again,  to stay now with my Dad after my Mother's passing at the end of this last April.  As hard as I thought it would be to move back, I have found it comforting to be back in the house where I was raised, where the foundation of the person I am today first took form.  It has helped me to deal with my grief, to know that I have not 'lost' my Mother because she is in the very fabric of this home she lovingly prepared for us. 

I'll be posting more about this front door, about this home, about my Mother, about  me.  It has taken me a while to come back to the blog  during these last few months. I would sit down to post and my heart was full but the words didn't seem to be enough. I decided not to push it and to wait until the words flowed naturally. When I saw this open door this morning, I knew I was ready to say, 'Thank You' for the place writing has always had in my life. I chose to open my heart's front door, to let the world in again and say 'Yes Lord'.

Joining with Inspire Me Monday, Dwellings, The Weekend Brew,  
Lisha Epperson at Give Me Grace   and Janis Cox at Sunday Stillness 
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Weekend Worship: As My Mother Did

Truly I am your servant, Lord; 
I serve you just as my mother did...

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                             - Psalm 116 vs 15 

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Since I last posted I've been tending to my Mom who as you know has been suffering from dementia. This last Thursday evening we moved Mom from the hospital where she has been for the last three weeks to the nearby hospice facility where she is in the process of passing. She is sleeping, mostly and is at peace. Although it is a hard thing to know she'll be gone soon, I am at peace as well.  I know I'll be putting it all down on paper in the future but for now, I am holding these precious moments in my heart as Mary did. I wanted you all to know so you wouldn't worry about my absence.  The Lord is good and He is close.

My family and I appreciate all of your love and prayers.

Dear Diary: Touching Base

Hope you all had a great January. I wanted to touch base as it seems I dropped off of the face of the earth three weeks ago. As many as you know, I’ve moved back to my hometown with my parents just before Christmas.  Just let me say, it’s been a rough month. Mom gave us a scare and ended up in the hospital. She was seriously dehydrated and delirious and had to be taken by ambulance after she had a seizure.  Come to find out, she had a urinary tract infection which is something that wrecks havoc with dementia patients.  (Who knew?)  We brought her home last Tuesday. 

Although the dementia is increasing as the Alzheimer’s progresses, Mom’s doing well. It seems I’ve become the ‘Mom Whisperer' and can get through to her fairly easily - for now.  It’s amazing what will connect through the dementia and popcorn is one of them.  In the hospital in trying to tempt her to eat she asked for popcorn out of the blue and devoured a bowl full. Carrying that through we’ve been having popcorn breaks in the afternoons while watching the Food Channel.  Although the conversations are disjointed on her end, it’s been good. Mom was a spectacular cook so talking food and baking cheers her.  I’ll talk more about the conflicting emotions of being back in my mother’s kitchen later on

On to February, my birthday month. I’ll be fifty-eight this year. Fifty. Eight.  Two years away from sixty. Wow. More about that later.

I appreciate all of your good wishes and prayers. They make a difference knowing that someone is praying for you when you are too tired or stressed to pray yourself.  Thanks for hanging in there with me. You guys are the best!

God Bless. Have a great weekend!

Five Minute Friday: See

Joining with Five Minute Friday sponsored by Lisa-Jo Baker. On each Friday, Lisa-Jo posts a one word prompt and for five minutes we join together as an international community to write what the prompt brings to mind. No rewrite, no editing just letting the words flow from our hearts.

Today's prompt is See. 

Five Minute Friday

In returning to live in my parents' house I could see clearly where my mom would need me. The effects of the disease  were visible and demanding of immediate and constant attention. I almost knew before hand what I would need to do for her. What I did not see was how much my dad needed me here as well. I could see him visibly relax as I took on those everyday tasks of getting mom out of bed, to take her meds or to eat that often turned into a battle of wills.  I can also see where he needs to me to help him see it is ok for almost 80 year old men to let go of some things like  trying to shovel the driveway after a 15 in snowfall.  I can also see now where God has been gracious to push me past my reluctance to return home because I cannot now think of any place else I’d rather be.

Five Minute Friday: She

Joining with Five Minute Friday sponsored by Lisa-Jo Baker. On Friday, Lisa-Jo posts a one word prompt and for five minutes even we write what the prompt brings to mind. No rewrite, nor editing just letting the words flow. 

Today's Prompt: She 

5 Minute Friday

She has been on my mind a lot lately.  So many things are reminding me of her as I walk through my days. Even the weather does today as the  autumn rains come, washing the leaves from the trees. It's reminding me of my childhood where She still is vibrant and active. I remember how she would begin baking in the fall and how there were  sugar cookies baked in the shape of fall leaves. I can't remember the last time I baked cookies and I don't have a cookie cutter in the house.  She no longer bakes now  so I am going to have to pick up that mantle and do it for her.  On my list of errands this morning, I will be adding 'find a cookie cutter in the shape of a fall leaf'.

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 I Love You, Mom.

I Love You, Mom

When I think of May I always think of two things: Spring and Mother’s Day. When we finally make it to May First, I always feel like my heart and soul gives a great long sigh which says, “We made it! It’s finally Spring, again.”  The grass turns a little greener, the blue, yellow and white iris in my yard make a wonderful and all too brief showing and the rains come.  I don’t mind spring rain. It seems right somehow washing clean the air and encouraging everything to grow. I love Spring.

I also love my mom. Her name is Crystal and although her birthday is at the end of March, she’s most on my mind in May because of Mother’s day. We honor our mothers in May and thank them for all they’ve done for us and been to us throughout our lives. It is a good thing to do. Every day of my life I am aware of how much my mother impacted my life. When I wake up in the morning one of the first things I do is raise the shades and open the curtains which is the morning ritual in my parents’ home to this day. Which ever one is up first, Momma or Daddy, they let the light in. Daddy always opens the front door as well while Momma goes through to the family room at the back of the house and opens that door. To let the house ‘air out’ she always says.

Mom, Jo, Dad

Everyone always says I sounded like my mom on the phone and in my younger days, the older folks in the family would look at me funny when I show up at family reunions or other family gatherings. I could see them frowning, mentally counting the years in their minds so I would go over to them, smile and say, ‘I’m not Crystal. I’m her oldest girl, Cassandra.” The frowns would turn into smiles and they would hug me tight and exclaim, “Baby, you look just like your momma!” We’d all laugh and I counted it as a compliment because my mom is very pretty although she’s very petite and I’m much taller than she is. I understood that I ‘favored’ my mother, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago when I caught sight of myself in a mirror that I realized that in my later years, I do look just like my mother did when she was my age. It brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eye because my mom has developed dementia over the last few years and even though she’s still with us, it’s limited. She’s still at home with my dad in Michigan and with the help of my sister Jo, and the support system of their church and friends, she’s happy and well taken care of.

Because of the dementia and the short term memory loss Mom and I are not able to have the deep conversations we used to have and I miss that.  Recently, I’ve been having dreams where she and I are having the conversations that we used to have on the phone. I see her still strong and healthy and with her full abilities in tact. We discuss what’s going on in my life and she helps me to work things out. When I wake from these dreams I always try to call her just so I can hear her voice, maybe make sure that her being still here is not also a dream. It comforts me. 

I’ve also had dreams where Momma reminds of the things that I’m supposed to be doing.  This week I dreamed that I heard some one in the kitchen and when I went in to check, my mom was just finishing up washing some dishes I had left in the sink overnight. She good-naturedly fussed at me about how she had taught me better the proper way to clean up a kitchen and I woke up smiling. I then got up and went directly to the kitchen to wash up the dishes I had left in the sink the night before, smiling all the time. I love my mom and in her way, I know she is still keeping track of me and still teaching me. I give God praise for that.

So Momma, even though you won’t remember, I want to say, “Happy Mother’s Day and I love you, very, very much.” I wouldn't be who I am without you and I love and thank you for the woman you've helped me to become.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms, Grandmas, PlayMoms, Church Moms, Office Moms - you know who you are! Would love to hear about the Moms in your life and how they helped shape you into the person you are today. Tell us about your Mom.

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